shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize