Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
