Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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