I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
