Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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