Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
