What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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