No awkward lesbian experiences without me
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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