Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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