i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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