my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
