I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
