Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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