she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He? As in you personified your dick?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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