I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
