pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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