I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
