I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
