Just took my morning after pill in the library
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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