Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I didn't notice because vodka
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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