i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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