Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Randomize
