So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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