I CAN MOONWALK!
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
