the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
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