Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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