Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
