Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
