nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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