If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
