My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize