if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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