I puked a lego.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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