Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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