did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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