Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
