fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
