Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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