WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize