You were right. It hurts to walk today.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
