Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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