On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
