i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
