Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
