Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
did you just send me my own nude
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
