Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
