Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
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