I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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