you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize