I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
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