i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Randomize
