So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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