there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
