Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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