She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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