remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
