just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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