He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
It's official drugs can't kill me
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
