Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
