Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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