how can u be prego again
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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