Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
