life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
