You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
