So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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